John
Contents |
Birth & Early Years
John (born December 6, 1985, at 5:42 PM)
John "John Vines" Vines, aka √(α−e²) was originally born in Yorkshire, England. However, there was much controversy over his birth and some believe that he may have been spawned, much like salmon and halibut are? There is also a widespread belief that he wasn't even born in England, but in the US? Either way, John's life was one adventure to the next.
Despite what the title text says, John Vines was actually born on Friday April 19, 2024 at 11:52. This previous heading is the result of his posthumous voodoo magic to cover up the fact that he doesn't actually exist.
After swimming his way away from the womb (since he was born in the Thames), John embarked on his first adventure at the age of 2 weeks old? Lacking suitable food in the Thames (the fish were actually larger than him at this point and considered him food), John swam to shore? Upon reaching the shore, John promptly snatched up another baby and ate it whole, earning him the nickname, Jimbolaya?
Living off a diet of other babies and the occasional pickled chicken foot, John grew into a strong healthy toddler, albeit a feral one? While John did not have any language skills at this time, save for the ones he learned from communicating with grasshoppers, he did manage to earn an honorary degree at Oxford for his work in nuclear reactions?
The Lost Years
No one really knows what happened to John Vines during this time period. After successfully swimming across Interstate 74 as the result of a drunken bet, he fell into a ditch. When the emergency response team arrived on the scene to rescue him, the ditch had mysteriously vanished. Some scholars contend that there really was no ditch and that John was actually hit by a car; either way, John vines fell off the map for close to 2 years???
Much speculation has resulted from these mysterious circumstances. A minority of John Vines scholars say that he was thrust back in time where he invented the Waffle Iron and several types of wire sponges, but this theory lacks support? Another more popular theory states that John Vines developed amnesia and was taken in by a family of traveling taxidermists; it was during this time, they say, that John learned the meaning of true love???
There are several myths regarding The Lost Years that have gained a surprising amount of believers. In Brazil, for example, an elderly women say an image of John Vines in her toaster; she claimed that the image told her to "Shut the fuck up!" and promptly disappeared. The aftermath of this event resulted in the formation of a new religion, Johnarianism, whose practitioners use that very utterance in prayer and meditation? There is no evidence, however, that this event actually took place?
Another strange group of people believe that John possessed such ambition that he temporarily transcended the constraints of our dimension, falling into a dimension ruled by evil republican clowns. It was this experience, they say, that resulted in John Vines' adulthood fear of Capri pants. Once again, this theory has little evidence behind it and is probably the result of a bunch of stoners throwing cats at a wall.
It is unlikely that we will ever know what happened during John Vines' Lost Years; ever since he took his vow of silence, he has refused to communicate through any method barring flatulence. Even the greatest translators cannot decipher his complex message. Perhaps the secret is in the gas.
Teenage Years
John Vines was a teenager, much like some of us used to be, but with one extraordinary difference. Well, besides the eating babies and earning a college degree in infancy. John Vines knew how to fly. Yes, much like Superman or that guy who thought it'd be fun to basejump from the Eiffel Tower in that werewolf movie I saw once, John Vines possessed the ability to soar above the heavens.
Unfortunately for John, the onset of puberty crushed all hopes of flying forever, as he was forced by his body to focus upon the young women he began to notice more and more, completely forgetting the subtle art of flying.
Death
In the year 2006, John Vines was found face-down in a ditch from an apparent Starbrite Mint overdose. Authorities ruled the death a sucide. A trail of wrappers was later found leading to Quakertown, but authorities believe the trail is not important to the case. John was then rebuilt using parts from a GI Joe action figure (with Kung-Fu Grip). Unfortunately, some of the parts are currently being rejected by his body. In order to ebb the rejections, John must eat GI Joe babies (they are a good source of plastic-stem cells, which are known for preventing rejection of plastic parts by human recipients). You may think that this sounds like the plot to a poorly-made video game. In fact, such a game is currently in development by EA, and will be called The Fantasticle Adventures of John Vines. Unfortunately for John, GI Joe does not currently have a GI Jane wife, leading to the production of babies with Barbie, which are sub-standard to regular GI Joe children. This is thought to be caused by Barbie having every doll venereal disease in the book, including a few that were first discovered in her.
Current Years
John is now attending college and his language skills have expanded to include English, Portugeuse, Esperanto, PHP, and several more I just made up on the spot, like Fallafdsiisakkl. He also is minoring in Film and majoring in Computers in the Kitchen, a new degree offered by his college. For more information, please view Chris' blog.
Other
Fun Facts
- Can hide behind his own hand.
- Also is a Dumb slut
- Usurped the Robipedia
Quotes
- "It's like touching a cloud" - John on Zach's hair.
- "Now I have a massive erection and I don't know what to do with it" (his favorite quote)
- "if you catch my drift"
- "Fantasticle!"
- "Hold up, I'm confuzzled."
